TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Contrary to the rest of the planet, best hotel rates are obtained on weekdays (Sunday thru Thursday nights), during the summer. The heat, oddly, is not bothersome: it's dry, most everything is inside or poolside, and the only time you'd really want to hang around outside is to see the lights, and it cools off in a hurry at night. During mid-December rooms are even cheaper: the same room that goes for $150 on a weekend in October can be had for $29 (plus free buffets) on a weekday before Christmas. NOTE: if a major convention is in town, prices can skyrocket.

L.A. STORY
Room rates much lower than what you will be quoted can be found in ads in the travel section of the LA Times (you can't miss it - about 12 pages are devoted to Las Vegas). You don't have to be a Californian to get these rates, just quote them.

WHERE SHOULD I STAY?
If you have kids, stay on the south (near MGM) or middle (near Caesars) strip. If you're on a tight budget, stay on the north strip, downtown, or at a local's casino. If you're on your honeymoon, stay at the Rio. Best values on the strip in my not so humble opinion are currently (3/00) the Flamingo and Monte Carlo.

I HAVE NO MONEY. WHAT SHOULD I SEE?
In any other town, an employment agency. In Las Vegas, not a problem. Here's a list of my favorite free Las Vegas entertainment:

1. PIRATE BATTLE AT TREASURE ISLAND Ships battle, burn, and sink for your amusement, every 90 minutes, every evening.

2. FREMONT STREET EXPERIENCE Imagine a wide-screen TV about 2 blocks long... Downtown, at night, on the hour. Various live entertainment, as well.

3. MASQUERADE IN THE SKY Every two hours and instant carnival emerges from the basement and descends from the ceiling in the Masquerade Village, at the Rio.

4. FORUM SHOPS AT CAESARS Ordinarily, if you find me in a mall, Christmas or my wife's birthday must be at hand. I make an exception for this mall. Don't miss the Atlantis show.

5. FOUNTAINS AT BELLAGIO Every 15 to 30 minutes, starting at dusk, in the lake in front of the hotel. Simultainiously staggering and elegant.

6. THE MEGARESORTS Luxor, Excalibur, NYNY, MGM, Monte Carlo, Bellagio, Caesars, Rio, Mirage, Venetian, Mandalay Bay, and Treasure Island are among the resorts that are worth strolling through and gawking at just for the sheer spectacle of it all.

7. MGM LION HABITAT Walk thru plexiglass tunnels to see lions draped over you, wishing the glass wasn't there.

8. MYSTIC FALLS PARK Leave it to Las Vegas to build a park inside a hotel. Inside the massive atrium at Sam's Town. Catch the "Sunset Stampede" laser-and-fountain show at 2, 6, 8, and 10. Avoid the 2:00 show, as the show really loses a lot in the daytime.

9. THE STRIP AT NIGHT Neon is not normally associated with any known art form, but: tempered by distance, embellished outlandish architecture and massive scale, it takes on an otherworldly beauty that pretty much defies description. Every 15 minutes or so, the volcano at the Mirage will burst into flame for good measure.

10. CARNIVAL COURT Outside Harrah's at 6:15, 7:45, 9:15, and 10:45 PM. Acrobats, dancers, fireworks.

11. LOUNGE ACTS Don't laugh: most free Vegas lounge acts are better than the ones you're accustomed to paying for back home. If you hear one you like, stop and listen, already!

12. THE GAME. AND ALL THE OTHER GAMES The bigger sports books are most armchair quarterbacks' notion of heaven: about a dozen wide screen TV sets with ALL the games on, drinks, and comfy chairs.

13. THE POOLS If you're not too busy, try to remember that you're on VACATION here, and you're supposed to be relaxing. Las Vegas resorts have some of the best pools in the planet... so go get wet!


BEST BUFFETS
In general, the more you pay, the better the buffet. Listed here are exceptional values:
1. RESERVE
2. TEXAS STATION
3. MAIN STREET STATION
4. SUNSET STATION
5. BOULDER STATION
6. PALACE STATION
7. FIESTA


WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT VIDEO POKER, THEN?
Video poker and blackjack are the only two games that are clearly beatable. With skilled play giving you a slight edge, plus casinos comps, these two games are sufficiently profitable to be played professionally.
What this means to us amateurs, is that instead of being redesigned to losing hundreds of dollars when we go to Vegas, we stand a good chance of coming out ahead and, with slots club benefits, our meals and rooms may very well be free. Budgeting for a vacation is much easier when it is financed by the profits from your last vacation. The catch is, that unless you know what you're doing, video poker is among the worst games to play. Simply knowing how to play poker will not suffice. Video poker is much different. In order to play it well, you need to play by computer-derived strategies such as those devised by Lenny Frome, Dan Paymar, Bob Dancer, or Skip Hughes.

COMPREHENDING COMPS
"Comps" is short for "complimentary", which is long for "free". It's a long-used method by where the casinos reward their best customers with goodies that cost the casino little or nothing anyway, but can be quite valuable to us customers. Free rooms, free food, free shows are common comps. Clearing up common misconceptions on comps:
Comps are NOT awarded based on a player's losses. You can win and still get comped. Rather, they are awarded based on your total amount wagered, otherwise known as "play", or "action", or "coin-in". The casino doesn't sweat win/losses; they believe (usually correctly) that in the long run, they will always get your money. The trick here is to be unlike the masses, and only play when the casino has no edge.
You do not have to be a "high roller" to get comped. Quarter players can (and should) expect comps, possibly including all meals and rooms. Most players do not get comped simply because the don't join the slot club and/or they never ASK for comps.
Rooms reserved via discount services (like LVRS, or Hotel Reservations Network) cannot be comped.
Players expecting to get their rooms comped STILL NEED TO MAKE RESERVATIONS. They casino cannot comp you a room when non are available! Typically, you try to get a room that you are already staying in and have already paid for comped - they'll just take that charge off your credit card.
On the other hand, meals comps should be requested BEFORE you eat. Failing that, charge the meal to your room and ask a host to comp it later. Otherwise, the host cannot comp a meal you've already paid for.
You cannot treat your friends, family, and co-workers to free rooms in Vegas by handing them your free room offers. Free room offers are invariably only good for the person they are mailed to, plus anyone staying with him in the room. (The casinos want the person who did all that gambling back in their hotel, not his Little League team).

ON TORTURE AND TIMESHARE
Do NOT attend a timeshare presentation! These vultures will offer you show tickets and more to attend, but these presentations can get brutal. After attending one of these, I can fully understand how policemen can get the innocent to sign murder confessions. It's just not worth it. Besides, why buy timeshare in a town where free rooms at luxury resorts are doled out like peanuts on a Southwest Airlines flight?

WATCH YOUR WALLET
Pretend you are a professional pickpocket and/or purse snatcher, trying to make a dishonest living in a world of credit cards and ATMs where nobody carries much cash anymore. Where would YOU live? Bingo! Only in Las Vegas do people get drunk while flashing hundreds of dollars. The good news is, there are so many inebriated, lost, and distracted tourists that the thieves probably won't bother with you. The bad news is that you might be inebriated, lost, and distracted.